my bad

I wrote something on this blog that was reckless and ethically questionable and I want to respond in a straightforward, considered manner. I’ve spent a good portion of my weekend thinking this over and writing a few rough drafts, conversing with friends who say I should respond and friends who say I need not. But the bottom line is that I made a mistake and that needs a response. I think I have finally come up with some words that I hope will address my faults.

First, I was hypocritical. I wrote “This is not the time to be a cynical asshole” and then demonstrated that it was OK for me to be a righteous asshole, which was a pretty asshole thing of me to do.

Second, I abused my position of power. The commenters who take issue with my words because they are coming from the mouthpiece of the Eugene Weekly are right to be concerned. I took 30 minutes to compose my blog and hit the “Create” button without taking more than a few seconds to consider the consequences. This was shitty journalism practice. In the heat of the moment, I let fly some foul words. They made me look like a jerk. For posting such filth, I am a jerk.

Third, calling someone “fuckwad,” “Jaded Rich White Boy,” “cynical asshole” and “cynical prick” was unwise, unfair, immature and just plain stupid of me. It demonstrated my weakness for cheap shots. I expect better of myself. You should expect better of me.

Fourth, I wrote in anger. I’m not usually one to get angry or make knee-jerk speculations. But on this occasion, I simply failed. I failed readers who were eager to hear my opinion on the election and readers who just wanted a fair and balanced opinion on a show.

Fifth, my ideas were half-baked. I should not have been angry at a musician for speaking his mind. I had every reason to feel overjoyed at the prospect of myself breaking free from the grip of cynical thinking. I could’ve put a positive spin on the entire experience, but instead I chose to go the ugly, dirty, mud-slinging route. That was a poor decision of mine. And, judging from your comments, you would agree.

My blog post has made some people lose their respect for me as a writer. I can accept that. But if I didn’t learn anything from all 50+ comments on my blog, I would be making a huge mistake.

So here is what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that making personal attacks might be a way to get people’s attention, but it is not a way to clearly articulate a point or bring about any necessary change. I’ve learned that boundaries are important to have when given an position of influence in the community. I’ve learned I can’t defend my faults; a fault is a fault. I’ve learned that people are committed to reading high-quality, intelligent writing in their local alternative weekly (and its associated blogs). I’ve learned that people will call me out on my mistakes, and for that I am thankful.

I appreciate the experience I had going to see a show and the intense emotions it sparked in me. Judging by the more than 50 comments this particular blog has generated, and the issues and emotions it has brought up, this process hasn’t been a big waste of time for me. Maybe it was for you … I can’t say. For me, writing fills in the blanks on the cerebral experience of life. This is why the Weekly continues to receive letters to the editor and comments on our blog. This is why I continue to write.

Just as I cannot regret getting swept up in Election Night euphoria, I cannot regret what I wrote. There were real feelings behind those words that I won’t pretend don’t exist. But I do regret being a reckless writer. (I really wish I wrote something like this. Damn!) From now on, I will strive to be more precise, mature, considerate and mindful of what I write. I demand competence from others; the least I can do is be competent myself.

I end this post with some words of wisdom courtesy of one of the commenters: "If you really want the world to change, start with yourself." Roger, that.